While grief is mainly regarded as experienced solely after a death, it also occurs after undergoing trauma; grief is noted as a naturally occurring response that is expressed as emotional suffering. More specifically it is an emotionally draining process in which someone must come to accept loss or situations that were inadequately coped with. Some symptoms of grief include, but are not limited to: insomnia, increased anxiety, weight change, guilt, loneliness, paranoia, and withdraw from routine or enjoyed activity. Keeping in mind that grief is a process there are five, typically nonlinear, stages that one goes through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

The denial stage is the initial defense mechanism stage where one attempts to rationalize overwhelming emotions, this stage emphasizes avoidance. One is entirely aware of the situation at hand but is undergoing shock, letting in enough stimuli that the brain can handle although still overstimulating. An example of denial after a traumatic event is someone trying to deny a situation as domestic abuse, whether it is regarded as an accident, isolated event due to angering the abuser, or dismissing the situation entirely.

• In this stage do not rush yourself in the process of moving forward, the purpose of this stage is to have time to adjust. This stage will naturally fade, but interpersonal support is beneficial.

The anger stage may manifest in behaviors such as sarcasm and jokes about the situation, distancing from emotions or intimacy, isolation, high irritability, suicidal thoughts or threats, and outbursts by unrelated stimuli.

• Validate your feelings, express your emotions (in healthy outlets), practice relaxation and self-care techniques, find what will personally give you some degree of closure or stability, if your anger is too much or manifested negative behaviors (such as excessive drinking or overeating) seek help from a professional.

The bargaining stage is recognized as the “what if…” stage, during this one may consider irrational options or questions that may invalidate or minimize their experience(s), or make the situation their fault. Unfortunately, this stage is often paired with feelings of guilt (whether consciously or unconsciously). In cases of trauma this may manifest not only in “what ifs”, but also in over empathizing with an abuser and blaming themselves even though they are the victim.

• Examples: “What if I didn’t take that train?”, “What if I fought back?”, “What if I stayed quiet?”.

In the depression stage one may experience symptoms of depressive episodes, disrupted sleep, reduced appetite, and lack of motivation. When it comes to stress/trauma induced depression it is important to note it is not a sign of a mental illness. In validating your experience, the depressive state may allow you to further navigate your experience and how to move forward; it is important to note that this feeling may return in the future.

• It is important not to dismiss your emotions, set small physical and mental goals for the day, attempt to make plans for future “triggers”, seek help from peers, family, or professionals.

It is important to recognize that acceptance is not “getting over” the traumatic experience and does not need to necessarily be happy, but it is having some form of comfort or give credence to the situation as a whole.

• This may sound like, “in the end, the ending of this abusive relationship was a healthy choice. That was not love, I am deserving of healthy love”.

All in all, healing and the grieving process is not linear. One may experience these stages in no chronological order (outside of denial), may revert back to a previous stage, or have blend of two stages at once.